L.O.V.E

LOVE conquers all.  LOVE transcends oceans.  LOVE cures depression.  LOVE makes the world go round. LOVE is all you need. Well, that's what they say. Who are they by the way?

I am a self confessed hopeless romantic and I love LOVE. I would like to think I am quite good at it. Considering my LOVE life has been so much worse than just a train wreck/shit show/roller coaster/whirl wind/soap opera/SATC episode (#Carrie) I still continue to follow the same pattern of falling hard and falling fast. Giving myself to a person in the best way I know how- wholeheartedly with sincerity, honesty, positive energy and stars in my eyes. I would love to be able to be one of those women who is able to play her cards close to her heart, subsequently wear her heart on her sleeve and never ever ever ever get hurt; but try as I may so far it hasn't happened. So, I guess NOW, with my current state of affairs in mind (the details of which I will regale you with shortly) I need to accept that this is just the way I am and at some point (please God!) it will all pay off in the end and I will be happy and secure in LOVE.

It is so incredibly difficult to meet people, no, wait, I want to correct myself there: meeting people is easy. At least I find it very easy to meet people. I make friends all the time. I even meet boys. Sometimes I like them. Sometimes they like me. Sometimes I have sex with them and think it means more than it does. No, meeting people is fine, Barcelona (and the rest of the world) is chock full of hotties of all shapes, sizes and colours; and thanks to the sexual revolution, social media and internet dating and so on we can pretty much just have casual sex and strike up 'relationships' left right and center if we put our minds to it. This isn't the issue though. The issue I have is that is is SO difficult to connect, to meet someone who you are really drawn to, who ignites the fire, sends sparks flying, makes you laugh, makes your stomach flip and who feels equally as intrigued by you. This kind of connection, one that is real and true and utterly life altering and knee trembling is nigh on impossible to find. From my past experience when I have found it (twice in my life, maybe three times, or really only once actually) it has been transient and spoiled my circumstances out of my control.

To my utter despair, I find myself in the same predicament yet again, only this time it's arguably worse because I should have learned my lesson by now, no?

Note to self: STOP FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR ITALIAN LANDLORDS.

I'm digressing with that note..and really that is the title of another Blogg for another day!

So...I successfully find myself in another LOVE related dilemma- I am in LOVE with someone who is unattainable in more ways than one. Not only physically in as much as he is in Italy and I am in Spain, but emotionally too. I know he feels the same about me, but as is often the case with people, once burned by LOVE they find it incredibly difficult to feel normal, to trust, to open up to another person again for fear of history repeating itself (which it so often does). This only scratches the surface of my confusion.

Our 'relationship' has been up,down, on, off, in, out and all around the fucking houses; and as some of you know last weekend it brought us both to Rome last weekend. Spontaneous last minute romantic weekend. Easily the best venture I have been on in a while and I can say with no holds barred that if I didn't see him that weekend something inside of me would have died a death. It's not that I have 'never felt like this about someone before'.... because I have, but with him it is different. He is different from anyone I have ever met before and he makes me feel differently too. It's difficult to describe really because I am currently so beyond confused about what on earth is going on, but let's just say that when I was with him this weekend I felt so unimaginably contented. I feel like I can be myself around him, like I don't have to try. I don't even worry about wearing makeup because he says he prefers me without and means it. He doesn't criticize me and he doesn't put me down. When he holds my hand its like electric, when he looks at me I feel like I will fall over, when he kisses me I melt and when the lights are off... well you can imagine....MAMMA MIA!DIOS MIO! OMG ;)

So it would appear I have found that man, that connection that I was talking about earlier on. Lucky me. But  no. Not lucky me because he isn't here. I'm not there and this isn't going to change anytime soon, and quite frankly, as petulant and childish as I may sound saying this : It just IS NOT fair :(

So I have to make a decision about this and I have no idea how to approach said decision. Like I said, I believe in LOVE and I believe in being true to yourself and true to your feelings. If something is as wonderful as what I think he and I have with each other then surely it is worth working at, worth sticking with, worth sacrificing for. Or am I just another stupid girl sitting at home behind Facebook and Skype desperately waiting for some contact that makes me feel connected to him. My two most serious relationships were long distance and ended tragically as a result. So I am pretty much anti-long distance unless there is a light at the end of the tunnel, a date when you know that you will be together again and everything will be OK. This situation does not have a light at the end of the tunnel of perpetual bullshit, so how can we see into the future? But the idea of letting go of what is happening to me now, even though it is painful for me daily, is totally out of the question. As a result of this I have an ongoing battle between my heart and head in progress and quite frankly it is exhausting!

Is LOVE worth waiting for if there is no end date to the waiting? Not sure....
Is something better than nothing? Depends....
Will I ever be able to just let things be what they are and accept life as it comes without over thinking absolutely every single detail ? Absolutely not....

I feel a bit better after writing that....