Decisions Decisions Decisions..........

Yesterday I made a decision that altered my life, I'm hoping for the best. By gaining control, be that self control or control of my 'situation' things appear to have become clearer or at least slightly less hopeless. In fact, maybe I would go as far as to say things are hopeful. It is always better to look at things in a positive way if there is the option to do so, therefore, yes, I would say that now there is at least hope that my (love) life is not completely doomed forever.

I know this now because for the first time ever the pattern has changed! I broke the chain, the rhythm, the habit that I am all too familiar with when it comes to relationships and men. It usually goes one of two ways, very generally speaking (if I were to list ALL the ways in which my relationships have gone awry the blogg would be a never ending list of UN-pleasantries!):

• I meet someone who is some how flawed/needs fixing...I try and fix them..I lose myself entirely whilst doing so and end up a shell of my former self as a result of investing way too much energy into something that is essentially fucked.
• I meet someone and it is all fine and then for one reason or another external circumstances raise their ugly heads and cock everything up, no one is directly at fault, everyone gets hurt.

Either way I end up left feeling pathetic, lonely, regretful and sad. Often I feel like I have wasted my time or made multiple wrong decisions. But not this time. This time I have actually *touch wood* made a decision that is best for me, and for him too (I hope).

As I find myself saying often, it is so rare to meet someone with whom you truly connect and feel comfortable with; so when it happened to me this time I felt more drawn, more addicted, more hooked and therefore more vulnerable and helpless when it all started to go pear shaped.

Once again, I have my incredible friends to thank for their relentless support, shoulders to cry on, patient ears to listen and words of wisdom to bestow on me. More or less everyone gave similar opinions about my situation and it is common knowledge that no matter how much you love and respect people, when you are fully basking in rose tinted glory all of this fabulous advice goes in one ear and out the other pretty swiftly. I would like to reiterate, this time I listened, I understood, I acted upon it.

It is never easy to end a relationship. It is even more difficult when you are in separate countries (and were never in fact in a real relationship in the first place...I digress...I sigh). Safe to say the Skype conversation I had last night was even more painful than I could have preconceived. However, it was honest, calm and amicable. I don't want to put him into the box labelled "Fucking Stupid Arsehole Men Who Do My Head In". Sadly many boys have fallen into this box..sometimes they redeem themselves and I rescue them out of said box, but most of the time the lid stays firmly shut (and weighted). No, he doesn't belong there. He belongs on the shelf of precious things that I hold dear to me and will look upon with only fondness and a smile. 

In a nutshell, it had to end now before it got worse and my head imploded in on itself and my eye balls fell out and rolled across the floor due to excessive crying. I know he is OK and I can contact him if I want/need to and vice versa...in the future that is. For now we will exist in our own little separate ways, doing our own little separate things focusing on our own little separate happiness. 

That is another overused, but essentially pretty spot on saying : "You can only be happy with another if you are happy with yourself..." Or words to that effect. I don't think I have been truly happy with myself, deep down, for a long time now so that is definitely something for me to work out and alter for myself and I would like to think that this decision is the first step towards that. Doing something positive for yourself that will lead to only prosperity, happiness and light :)

What I think will also be helpful is the up and coming 3 days weekend that is already fully booked with Gypsy fun, frivolity and frolicking! Time to go out and play, si, no? ;)

<3