Guilt trip. Worst trip of my life.

In light of everything that has happened to me over the past few months it has come to my attention that I have a problem with guilt. I am guilty of guilt. I feel guilty about everything, including feeling guilty about everything.

Guilt is possibly the most unhelpful, counterproductive feeling that human beings are capable of, yet it seems to be something that many of us are inherently riddled with. I don't like it, I don't understand it. So I have decided to write blogg about it because maybe it will shed some light on the subject and I can work through my own ridiculous thought process. I'm also writing this blogg because I've been feeling guilty about not writing the blogg as often as I would like. Yes, that's right, I feel guilty about not writing a blogg about guilt, that is what it has come to. Oh dear.

The initial inspiration for this piece of writing is a spider. Quite a big, ordinary house spider. The kind that you find in the bath and they make you jump because you don't expect them to be there. I went to run  myself a bath a few weeks ago and I encountered this eight legged creature just chilling at the bottom of the lovely roll top, cast iron bath tub (one of the plus sides to living back at your parents: massive bath, really hot water 24 hours a day). Now I am a massive advocate for sharing but I wasn't about to share my bubbles with the spider so he had to go. Glass tumbler. Old envelope. Done. I opened the front door and popped him onto the doorstep so that he could scuttle off to a better life somewhere other than the bath and for some reason I waited for a minute to see where he went. Then something weird and ridiculous happened. The spider turned to face the front door, and gingerly edged his way over the door mat to the door frame, waited there for a second as if to say "Please Kel, its really cold out here... I would much rather live in the house with you, I promise, you wont even know I'm here and I won't get in the bath again."

So I let the spider make its way back into the hallway and he went off into some kind of dark corner no doubt. I felt guilty about putting a spider outside, not just a little bit, but genuinely like I had done a really cruel heartless thing (so much so that my brain told me that the spider was trying to appeal to my better nature). Why didn't I just lob the spider out into the night  and shut the door behind me? No idea. Maybe it is because I'm too nice for my own good. People tell me that a lot so I think it must be the case. Obviously with this situation there are no serious direct consequences for my actions, the spider will have little to no effect on my life ever again (unless he finds his way into the bath tub again) but if I apply this spider theory to the way I deal with more significant aspects of my life and my (disastrous car crash of a love life) then alarm bells start ringing. Big time.

On one level there is the useless guilt where there is really no reason to feel guilty about is something. Like that episode of Peep Show where Mark talks about how he feels guilty about wearing some pairs of boxer shorts more than others "I'm sorry stripey blue, but you're just too tight!". Now, no one wants to be like Mark, do they? No. But sadly I have to admit that recently my mood has been at an all time low filled with worry, fear, anxiety, panic, stress and other such mania in between. I think guilt just comes along as an unwanted side
order to accompany this depressing feast that I sit down and force feed myself day in, day out.

I don't know if this is just me, but when my self esteem is at an all time low all I do is criticize, scrutinize and loath myself. I feel like I am worthless, pointless and incapable of achieving my goals. Moreover, even if I could work out what my goals are I convince myself I don't deserve them because I'm just not good enough. What a horrible thing to say. What an awful, negative, backwards way of thinking. I would never want to make anyone feel like that. I would never say things to another person that would discourage them so much to the point that all they do is cry and fret. So why do I do it to myself? I think it stems from guilt.

It is almost as if the negative thoughts come from guilty feelings and the cycle just feeds into itself until it gets way out of control. For example the classic paranoia about being fat. I worry about my weight more or less every day. I don't think there has ever been a time where I have been happy with my shape (except when I was so ill with food poisoning that I was put on a drip for a week and only allowed to eat baked apples for 3 weeks after that...I think I lost over a stone....in the unhealthiest way possible) and that is a really sad thing. I would love to feel comfortable being the size I am. I would love to not feel guilty when I eat anything that is deemed 'fattening'. I would love to not feel guilty when I can't be arsed to go to the gym after I have been at work all day. Unfortunately though, I do feel guilty. I am well aware that this thought process is not good, wholesome or useful but I still have that same guilt trip whizzing round and round in my head no matter what.
It goes something like this :

no wonder you can't fit into those trousers.
you haven't been to the gym enough.
you  haven't dieted enough.
you drink too much.
you haven't made enough effort.
you haven't done enough.
you are not good enough.
and it is all your fault.
no wonder you're single.
no wonder he never picked you up.
no wonder you're so miserable.
i would be if i were you.
i am you.
fuck you.

Not nice at all. Its actually quite terrifying to put it in writing. I would never say that kind of abusive, disgusting bullshit to anyone else, so why do I do so to myself? Why is it some how acceptable to send yourself on a guilt trip?

Dictionary definition:

guilt

/ɡɪlt/

noun 

1.

the fact or state of having done wrong or committed an offence

2.

responsibility for a criminal or moral offence deserving punishment or a penalty

3.

remorse or self-reproach caused by feeling that one is responsible for a wrong or offence (real or imagined)

4.

(archaic) sin or crime

I suppose the conclusion I have come to  here with the above definition is that deep down I don't consider myself a sinful person, I think I just have a giant conscious and I over think absolutely everything. I need to make a conscious effort to be kind to myself, congratulate myself and encourage myself to do better. People keep telling me that things won't feel this shit forever. I believe that that is true, but somehow it doesn't really help that much in the mean time.

It is always easier to blame myself than it is to blame others, even if the are at fault. Interestingly enough the person who caused me the most intensely painful suffrage I hope I will ever endure appears to feel no guilt, no remorse, not even any recognition of his wrongdoings. Wow. How is that possible? I mean really, how can someone behave so badly and just crack on with life with no second thought for the other person? It is remarkable. It is abhorrent. I will never understand it.

Positivity will prevail eventually...it is just a matter of time.
The Past is gone.
The Future is exciting.
The Present is the most important and needs to be embraced and cherished.

All Hallows Eve... A Rocky Horror Ride

"In Girl World, Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." (Cady Heron, Mean Girls 2004)

Maybe this is why Halloween is one of my favorite nights out of the year. The ultimate night of fancy dress, crazy costumes, banging parties and sexy strangers. Not that my friends and I necessarily go down the slut route when it comes to choosing our costumes, but I just think people find it easier to lose the inhibitions on Halloween. The three Halloweens before this one I have spent in Barcelona with my friends from various corners of the USA; as we all know in the UK (based on a lot of watching of American Teen films) the USA crew go H.A.M when it comes to Halloween. The costumes are handmade, totally original and more often than not, nothing to do with the tradition 'scary' characters we tend to stick to in the UK. I cannot stress enough how much I appreciate this intense commitment to dressing up!

Last year Sarah and I threw a house party and we had Fight Club's Marla Singer, Roy Liechtenstein's Crying Lady, Super Cunt the Super Villain, Clockwork Orange and Joaquin Phoenix join us for drinks- and they all looked the spitting image! It was a party to end parties and I will never forget it.

Since moving back to the UK I compare everything to BCN and I spend a lot of my time feeling nostalgic and miserable that I have let my life of fun, freedom and parties behind and replaced it with a life that some how feels less, well, enjoyable I suppose. This is something I need to work on; and I think I have found a very effective remedy that will get me through this difficult transition. In a broad sense, it will involve me having all the fun I can with the people here who I  know and love and who I know love me too. Friday night marked the beginning of the rest of my life...I think. Barcelona is my favorite city, but London most certainly gave it a run for it's money this weekend! Do you know why? Nothing to do with the city really, it's to do with the people with whom I surround myself with. I miss my BCN gypsies like crazy all the time, but on Friday I was lucky enough to have the one and only Poppie Cullen by my side and it was simply magical to introduce her to everyone from London; a union of
super powers.

Carousel & Chivaree Circus always put on life changing events, but The Rocky Horror Ride stood apart for me as one of the best raves I have ever been to and I feel incredibly proud to say that I am acquainted with those that were responsible for putting on such a fabulous performance for all of the party-goers this weekend (plus they did it two nights back to back- Friday and Saturday-now that is commitment to the world of party!). Massive congratulations, I am in awe of all of you.

The venue, under the arches of a bridge in the center of the city (possibly London Bridge...I never know where the hell I am London) was fully decked out between two rooms, half crazy,  luxurious boudoir half weird science lab; old school T.V from the movie, boar heads, red silk lampshades to name few cheeky details! All of the characters from the Rock Horror Show were represented by amazing actors who performed scenes and songs from the movie intermittently throughout the night. Beautiful burlesque, flawless acrobatics, awe inspiring aerial performances, high energy fire twirling and of course classic The Time Warp were all included! There were several different live bands as well as UH-MAY-ZING DJ's who played all the best drum and base, swing, break beat remixes of all the good songs that have ever existed. It was one of those nights where you really need to go to the loo or the bar but you can't leave until the song ends...then the next one is just as brilliant!

The night was hosted by Dr. Frank N. Furter who was quite simply one of the most fabulous, raunchy Queens I had ever seen. He had the crowd in fits of laughter as he pranced up and down the ramp. At one point he shouted to the official photographer to "Get the fucking photo! Get the fucking photo!" as he dropped down to touch his toes ( he was wearing little more than arse-less chaps and a feather boa) then jumped up and straight back down to the floor into the full splits! "I bet you've never seen anyone give the floor an infection before!" he drawled as he got to his feet and exited the stage - "I'm off to find a straight man to rape!" What a legend.

Absolutely everyone who came to the party made a huge effort to dress appropriately for the evening. There were lots of sexy maids, gold top hats, drag queens all based around the movie as well as loads of bondage, nudity,lingerie, creepy clowns and general glitter clad specimens. It was simply sensational and everyone was really complimentary of one and other. I told one guy who was just in his boxers, covered in glitter and string of lime green fairy lights wrapped around him how epic he looked. He gave me a massive hug and said how grateful he was for the compliment because he had been feeling really self conscious all night because he was worried he was too skinny to go topless! Madness! He looked lush! It makes me happy to see people feeling liberated and free to just wear what they want, even  if it is 'taboo' or 'risky'... Halloween gives people the courage to let it all hang out :)

My costume, although it was awesome, wasn't particularly out there; I was just excited to be blonde for the night, wear black eye contacts and stick gold stars to my face. I think the whole thing came together pretty well and I ADORED my handmade purple tutu which Popz made for me (it took her 6 hours to make and it is the fluffiest and most wonderful tutu in all the land and I shall treasure it forever). I saw a girl across the room from me with the same gold sparkly leotard as me and I am thrilled to report that when we noticed the double wardrobe situation we didn't snarl at one and other, we mouthed compliments and shared information about buying it on Ebay for £9.99. Girl on girl compliments from strangers; can be very hard to achieve, not at The Rocky Horror!

Poppie was arguably the bravest in the group. Her costume consisted of white fluffy nipple tassels, purple feather eyelashes black tutu, suit jacket and a can  of hair spray. She looked like an actual superstar and I think everyone should have the same attitude to life as Poppie does. Carefree, positive and fun loving. It is quite simple when you think about it.

Josh, Simon and Charlie all made lovely ladies in their negligees, leather skirts,feather boas, fish nets and doc martins! Beth and Emma added a touch of class to the evening with peacock feathers, and sexy black corsets.Will wore an amazing tartan suit but got a little bit fresh a little bit early on in the night and lost his jacket with all his worldly possessions in the pockets. Phone, wallet, keys and passport. Fuck. If we were in Barcelona you would have to kiss goodbye to that lot the minute it left your sight. Not at the Rocky Horror Show. His jacket with every thing in it was kept safe by the organizers and returned to him the following night. See, there are some good, kind, thoughtful people left in the world who aren't just out to take advantage of you and rob your shit.

The night wrapped up at 6:00 am and we dragged our aching drunken bodies outside into the morning light, always a bit of a painful moment. Luckily we were only a short bus ride away from home. Simon got stared at aggressively by some early morning bus folk; they didn't appreciate his negligee; I passed out on Poppie for the duration of the journey.

I slept until 1:00 pm on the airbed in the living room, then we ordered pizza and I ate it under my duvet surrounded by the best people in the world,also in their PJ's,also eating pizza. I  think it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Life giving pizza to cure all manor of hangover. We sat there for the entire day, debriefing the night before, filling in the gaps, laughing at the horrendous photos and talking about life,love and the universe. I felt really safe and loved and snugly.

The story gets a bit sad now.

I had to meet Poppie at Liverpool Street Station at 7:30. To say goodbye. It was shit. Really, really shit. I felt numb and spaced out and words cannot express how much I will miss her. I have already spent a lot of my time missing her, but Australia is as far away as someone can go from here and I am not sure how I will deal with it to be honest. In saying that, we didn't make a big deal about it, we just laughed a lot and drank fruit frappes (with no real fruit in them) at the station. I cried all the way down the platform after she left and a really nice girl asked if I was OK and I explained that I just had to say goodbye to one of my best friends and I don't know when I will see her again. She understood because her best mate just moved to America. I have said so many fucking goodbyes to awesome people recently, it is so draining and rank. All I can say is thank God for Skype, Whatsapp and Facebook. I know technology is a ball ache and social media is taking over the world as we know it, but I really do love to keep in touch and know how everyone is. If anyone ever wants to make my day, send me a postcard. I still consider that the best form of communication.

Even  though I am separated from a lot of people who make me feel complete, I am incredibly privileged to have  been reunited to  those that I have been missing and missed by in the UK. I have the best friends in the entire world and I would be lost without them.

So Happy Halloween to all of you! Sending you love, glitter,rainbows and positive vibes always and forever! Love you <3

Roll on the next party, the next concert, the next play, the next pint, the next cup of tea, the next walk on the beach, the next life chat, the next dinner, the next meeting of minds.

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Magical Musical Merry Go Round....

I have just discovered that my laptop cable is broken/hates it's life so in approximately 44 minutes time I will be laptopless... topless is fine..everyone likes being topless... being laptopless on the other hand is totally depressing! Especially on a Sunday night when you want to watch Girls and skype your Gypsies and write your bloggs and incessantly scroll up and down Facebook.... hmmmm

Well...I will try and turn this into a positive and use my time limit of battery as my deadline to write this little entry seeing as I appear to have no self discipline or motivation when it comes to writing at the moment!

This week/the last couple of weeks have been, in a word, shit. I have been feeling all the bad feelings- confusion, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, inadequacy, fat...I could go on... BUT it turned out all I needed to put me back into a positive shiny frame of mind again was a bit of a change of scene, a different crowd in an unknown surrounding. a situation that manifested itself magically into one of the loveliest house parties I have been to in a long time! 

It is a truly marvelous thing to walk into a room full of people you don't know and then ask to perch on the sofa and immediately get chatting to really unique individuals with absolutely no bias or prejudice or clique mentality! I sat with this guy who turned out to be from Suffolk (Frammingham of all places!) and filled me in on the conversation he was just having with his friend about infra red and energy and the notion of infinity. he wasn't my type at all but he had really giant blue eyes and blonde hair and a really denim coloured denim jacket. Which made it all the more shocking awe inspiring when he started busting out some very impressive improvised beat poet style spoken word! Talking talking rhyming rhyming with such casual finesse and accuracy. Ask him to sing a song about you in the kitchen. He can. I am always impressed by people that have the confidence to put themselves out there and just show the world that they have a talent, a skill or some kind of eloquence and wit worth noticing! 

For the rest of the evening I spent  my time mingling and flapping around like the well seasoned social butterfly (or over weight fluffy cat covered in balloons, either or) that I am (I think in  my haze of sadness I had forgotten that I actually really love people and stuff and things and life) and everyone I met amused and intrigued me in different ways. No one was a dick. No one was even being a dick....not even once was someone dick to anyone all night a far as I'm aware. It was really quite remarkable.

The host was a rather dashing, eccentric looking chap with a mustache that curled up at the ends...not unlike Dali...not unlike a really brilliant magician. James. I liked James even though I didn't really get to talk to him very much (what with him being the host with the most!) but clearly if Emma is friends with him then he must be one of the coolest people on earth. We had hangers for our coats and plastic cuppies (not the shit kind, the durable kind) for our white wine spritzer and he managed to keep the neighbors sweet and the party at maximum lushness level even when they complained. 

Everyone remained in a  circle of genius for the majority of the night. Strumming the guitar, tapping the bongos, singing along to all the classics that have ever been classic, sharing tambourine duty and ritually passing the one lighter that existed in the flat. So  much talent, so much fucking excellent energy and elated happiness. It was SO incredibly refreshing to have an entire evening entertained by live music and improvisation without an Ipod dock in sight or the Spotify adverts interrupting everything and killing the vibe 12 minutes.

 Like being back in time, in the late 60's where people would be chilling in circles with acoustic guitars and flowers in their hair and no clothes on singing along to The Beatles and Janis Joplin spreading peace and love. The mind boggles at how complicated everything has become in the last 5 years or so. Everyone knows the main joys in life include sex, songs and smiles. Hands up if you think you were born in the wrong era? *raises hand*

These guys and girls were amazing, they would play a few, pass the guitar, play another couple and so on. I guess it must  be time to name drop the bands, Orchestra Ilegal de Barcelona and Einani because I know that most of, if not all of the members were present last  night. Quite simply excellent. 

One of them was a boy who I dubbed as the loveliest person in the room. He was also one of those very friendly, open people who made  point of coming over an saying hey when it is pretty clear you know no one in the room. Half Catalan half German with an interesting background of travel, music and a general air of freedom and naturalism about him.His parents live in Kuwait so he was really knowledgeable about that neck of the woods which was refreshing. I liked his tattoo because it was a rainbow tree, an album cover it turned out, and he had Jimi Hendrix's actual face tattooed on his actual leg. Wow. What can I say, he was just adorable and magnetic, with his long hair and Adidas cap and strange and sparkly personality.

Another fabulous character that popped up was someone that it turns out I had met before. Took a while for the penny to drop. But the Venezuelan with the giant blonde dreads tied up in a top knot used to work at Rebel bar and make me delicious mango roots cocktails; but that was really back in the day. That bar has since shut down (crying shame) and now he works for a Russian association and is planning to work in Formentera and make cocktails and then travel the world. Another like minded, wholesome individual with a really attractive, calm disposition and giant eyes.

There was a rather mysterious man chilling in the corner for a while, he has two lip rings and combat boots. We started chatting and he immediately gained my approval with his intelligence and out and out cool behavior. He was originally from Arizona, a place I know nothing about aside from what they say about it in that song by Orb- Little Fluffy Clouds ("We lived in Arizona, the skies went on forever...") I explained that to him then he told me that he has been here for 8 years, 6 illegal then he got married for papers and has a passport for Europe! I really respect someone who has the balls to actually go through with that. I have many American friends here and often the topic comes up about marrying for papers, but I wonder how many would actually go through with it? I don't think I could do that...I'm not sure....

There were so many fabulous Gypsy ladies present last night too. From the UK, Paris, Spain, and some other in between. We talked about turquoise, tigers, men, bed bugs, tumble dryers and The Cranberries. I was particularly impressed with the blonde girl who played guitar and sang Zombie and Linger with me. Her name was quite unusual so I can't remember it unfortunately.

Not to mention my favorite people on the planet that were also present. Solo, we are beyond good, together we are  force of nature. Colours of the Moment reign supreme. I have said it before, I will say it again now and probably again in the future-

 <3 I LOVE YOU AND I AM HONORED TO HAVE YOU BOTH IN MY LIFE. <3

Turned out the laptop charger is absolutely fine, it was the converter that was fucked and luckily I had another one. Good job really because this has taken hours.

I have nothing but gratitude and glitter to wish upon everyone I met last night and I hope it won't be too long until  similar evening springs itself upon me.

Sneaky little city, just when you think you're settled and getting restless.......

MAKE IT RAIN....... 2014

Well, first things first- HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

As if it's 2014..... how time flies when you're having fun...equally it seems to fly when you are having a heinous, emotionally draining time too! Unfortunately, 2013 was not a very positive year for me and I don't know if it was because I set myself up for a fall (spent the entire of last New Year's Eve telling everyone and anyone that 2013 was going to be THE YEAR, whatever that even meant?!) or carried expectations higher than what I could really achieve, or because I made some pretty negative  personal choices. Either way, I have no intention of allowing history to repeat itself in 2014. No. This year a different ethos has been formulated and I am about to try and test it. I guess I will have to write another blogg this time net year and see how it all panned out!

I just shared a quote from Angel Haze on my Facebook wall:

 "Life is too short for shitty sex and bad relationships. So go find someone who fucks you right & treats you how you deserve to be treated."

I considered it to be quite appropriate considering the conversation I had just been having with my friend, it was pretty much the point we were homing in on during our beach walk, (but the fact that neither of us are badass sexy rapper chics meant that our conversation went more like this)

 "Can't be arsed to waste my energy anymore....Don't have the time for anymore bullshit....I'm going to just get on with my shit and be happy with myself...if someone comes along, awesome... but he better be fucking awesome and sweep me off my feet.....otherwise he's not worth the hassle!....I  just need to protect myself for once!"

I can honestly say, maybe for the first time ever, I really do believe this to be true, or rather, I plan on making this a reality for myself. I made some fairly questionable decisions with regards to men, love, sex etc last year and one is supposed to learn from these mistakes...so here goes I suppose!

I don't mean I want to cut myself off from the option of meeting 'someone' (and of course the Flag Collection Scheme must continue on into 2014 ;) I just think I need to be happy in my own little Kel shaped glittery, fluffy, rainbow world before I decide to jump on the next sexy, long-haired Italian that will inevitably cross my path (note to self, stop falling in love with Italians).

I spent New Years, as I always do, in London with some of the most fabulous, intellectuals I am privileged enough to call my friends. Over those few days we learned a lot of valuable lessons, which I would like to think helped us comprise the list of rules that will help us bumble our way through the year ahead:

Rule number 1. Don't be a dick
Rule number 2. Appologise if you have been a dick
Rule number 3. MAKE IT RAIN*
Rule number 4."Fuck the Past and Suck Off the Present!!!!" **

 *Side note . For anyone who isn't aware of the meaning of this terminology- I wasn't until Will and Kojo explained it to me with the help of the visual and audio aids provided by Lil Wayne and Fat Joe in their video for their 2006 hit single) In order to 'Make it Rain', one needs to have a lot of money, dolla dolla billz preferable. When you are in possession of this large quantity of money (or stack as it is also referred to) you place the stack in the palm of your hand and with the other hand quickly brush each bill off and up into the air in quick succession with one and other. Ideally you have someone (could be a hoe, could be a mate or random passer by, either way...) standing/laying directly in front of you at the time so that all of the money falls on to them much like it would if it had actually been raining for real, just with less water...and more dollar billz. The final part of the procedure, and arguably the most important, is this: when you have finished 'making it rain' you must walk away, off into the distance without a second thought for the thousands of dolla dolla billz you have just dispensed onto the floor. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES can you pick up the money and put it back in your pocket. Why would you? You are a massive G who has an amazing life, you are confident, sexy, healthy, talented, popular, cool and really fucking rich. I think if we all live our lives with as much self assurance as one would need in order to carry out this activity, and apply it to all circumstances then I  think we could be on to a winner. Confidence is the key. Fake it Til you Make it (rain
).................

**Sidenote. This statement was overheard at some unholy hour at a Circus Rave in Hackney Wick on New Years Eve. Whoever he was, the man who uttered this is a genius and I strongly suggest that we all try and follow his lead with this advice too. Not too precisely though, not everyone in your present presence wants you to give them a blow job. #theyprobabalydoactually

Happy New Year my Darlings! I hope you are all feeling as positive and hopeful about the next little stretch of time as I am! Let's continue to add to the list of life rules and have ourselves and Ch££kY Lu$h $m0KiN H0tT GyP$y time :)

Here is an example of how NOT to make it rain

<3